my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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