The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
not ubering you a puppy
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
