Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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