Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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