Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
