We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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