how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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