You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
