make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
