matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
