The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
