I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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