oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
