I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
