She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
