I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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