I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
