Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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