If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
