Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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