false alarm. still invincible.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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