i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
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