Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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