One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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