I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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