I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
