There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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