If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
