just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Damn victory sex feels great
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
