despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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