good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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