OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
