This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
