Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
