i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
