Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
PANTIES FOUND
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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