I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
