Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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