In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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