I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
porn star boner night. come get it.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
