I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
