i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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