I just cut my nipple shaving
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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