I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
