Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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