Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
