i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
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