The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
