By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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