its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
