Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
