Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
