You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
