Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
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